nickel.htm

Nickel to my Penny


Email: t ravelling_one@yahoo.ca
Web: http://www.travellingone.com
Summary: Musings; interlude. This is a very short story set right at the close of Homecoming. As Daniel's memory of his death begins to return, he ponders Jack's past words.
Related Episodes: Meridian, Homecoming
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes and no copyright infringement is intended. Any original characters, situations, and storylines are the property of the author. Archive only with permission please.
December/03



Yeah, "Welcome back".

Daniel turned to let his gaze linger on the Stargate for another few moments. I know we get paid for doing this, Jack. Just thought I'd give you an opening to stay and chat. The dormant circle offered him no answers, at least not the kind he was searching for.

"I may not remember everything, but… I remember enough."

Daniel bit his lip and headed back out the door into the tubular corridor. This was starting to look familiar; he even remembered wondering if this odd architectural feature functioned to give strength and support to the interior structure of this deep mountain, when he'd first arrived at the SGC so many years ago.

Daniel slowly strolled down the strangely deserted hallway, adrenaline still bouncing around in his system from this first mission since… whenever the last time was that he'd gone on a mission. Kelowna, apparently. It could have been a week ago or it could have been an era. The time between was still a big black hole, sucking all his memories into its center and trapping them like flies in a web. Dead and lifeless.

He remembered this route. He did. He remembered the food in the commissary; he remembered the infirmary, and not just from having been in there so many times since his return. Fingering the wall and the cold smooth concrete, Daniel remembered feelings. The feeling of having to choose which of his friends to turn to at any given time; the feeling of wanting to return to his own office and his workload after stopping for a quick coffee time-out. He remembered the feeling of craving more and more research in order to satisfy all those questions and ideas flowing through his mind.

He was also remembering the feeling of endless walks to Sam's lab. Walks that signified curiosity, excitement, acceptance, warmth.

He recalled the satisfaction of joining Teal'c in his abode of flickering candlelight; the sense of peacefulness and serenity, security and hope.

"Hey, Daniel."

Daniel was jolted from his sculptured reminiscences, from his half sorrowful thrill of remembering. Sorrow that came from wanting more, wanting it all; thrill from knowing that the feelings and sensations were returning of their own accord, that Oma had not decreed him lost to his past for all eternity… or at least the lifespan of a mere human. The feelings that were returning and the memories that came with them were all those of being a part of something wonderful and enthralling.

"Hi Sam."

Daniel saw the look of tenderness in the blond woman's gaze, and while he might not remember all that they had been through together or moments they had shared, the sensations were almost tangible. Her look of surprise broke into a grateful smile with Daniel's unexpected touch. Lifting her chin gently with a forefinger, Daniel gazed into her large bright eyes. "I remember you," he admitted softly, almost proudly. And the admiration I had for you.

Admiration: affection, tenderness, attachment. The awe you inspired.

Sam's eyes lit up. "God, Daniel. I've been waiting days to hear you to say something like that." 'I remember you'; not earth-shattering, but damned beautiful nonetheless. How it had hurt to not be remembered by this man. She touched his arm, aware that he did not flinch or move away. "You'll be with us at dinner tonight?"

"Uh, yes. Seven, Jack said."

Sam smiled. "Seven." Her light grip on his arm lingered for a moment longer, and then she decided to let him be and move on. "Are you okay, Daniel? Is there anything you need?"

Daniel nodded. "I'm fine, Sam. Just … just getting to know the base again." This place.

"Okay. If you need anything…" she let the offer blend itself into both of their thoughts. Daniel - both the old and the new - would know what she meant.

"Wait."

Sam stopped, more than willing for Daniel to confide in her, hoping he would… might… take this opportunity. She could only prove how much she wanted to be here for him if she was given the chance.

"I remember feelings, Sam. A lot." His candid eyes did not leave hers. "I remember dying. I remember your words. Or at least, the feelings they inspired." No; no, he remembered her words. You have an effect on people, Daniel. The way you look at things, it changed me too.

Moving closer, she took the chance that he would not turn away, that he would not reject her sincerity and concern. Linking her fingers lightly around his neck, she leaned her head on his shoulder for a brief moment. Just for a moment, and then she released him and stepped back. Give him space, and give him time. "That's a big one, Daniel." A painful one. "Do you want to talk?"

In a fleeting movement, Daniel shook his head. Not yet. No. This isn't about words, not yet.

Sam nodded. "You know where to find me. Any time."

Daniel nodded, then watched her walk down the hall and around the bend in the corridor, out of sight. He knew that feeling, of watching friends disappear. He also knew the feeling of certainty that they'd be back.

Daniel continued on, no direct route planned but his legs moving of their own accord, slowly, his eyes soaking up the minutest details of this so barren environment. This place was home; he could sense that. Silly bits and pieces made their way to the surface; why did he remember bumping into Siler? Embarrassment. Being tongue-tied when that new nurse had smiled at him on her way by? Awkwardness. And then there was that … those… metallic creatures stalking their halls… instilling terror, emotional pain. Wait, technological crawling creatures? Were they alien life forms, and was he beginning to remember missions now? Or was he remembering an SGC experiment gone wrong? There was something else, something almost human,bringing with it the sensation of overwhelming sorrow.

Daniel's legs had brought him to a stop in front of Teal'c's closed door.

Visions flooded silently in that innocent way they had; memories of entering a candlelit environment whenever he had felt the need to talk, when he had felt the need for silent companionship. A place of safety. Just beyond that door resided a man who had not been born on this planet and who had caused some justly tense moments between the two of them when they had first met. A person whose courage and honesty, loyalty and sincerity stirred feelings of intense admiration, an admiration built on respect, honour, reverence.

Daniel did not knock this time. Instead he spent a few moments on guard by the door, thinking, his eyes closed, his mind centered. He did not want to talk now; he wanted to walk.

He remembered more.

He remembered much more.

He remembered cold disappointment. Dissatisfaction with himself, with the awareness that he had needed more. I've grown to admire you.

He remembered pain and fear, panic and helplessness, deep penetrating anguish. He remembered dying.

I've grown to admire you, a little. I think.

His legs took him onward, and in the corner of his mind he knew where they were heading. It was a place he didn't want to go yet, a place that would stop his feelings and force deeper memories. Jack's office was off-limits for some reason that only his inner mind knew and could justify, just for today. Just until seven o'clock tonight.

I've grown to admire you. A little.

Daniel's hesitant steps grew quicker, taking him to his own office this time, a place of former sanctuary and welcoming homeyness. He remembered a lot here, knew where things were… no, where they used to be. Jonas had moved most of his things, and Daniel's hands would reach for them in the spaces they had formerly occupied. His books, his pencils, his journals. Little knick-knacks that were no longer anywhere in sight. His picture of Sha're; he would bring that back here, when he decided to release it from his bedside. For he remembered Sha're.

Daniel fingered his books. Most of them seemed familiar, although a few must have been purchased by Jonas. He had read some of those as well, in libraries seemingly far in the past. Maybe they would come in handy again someday.

Admire.
The worn dictionary felt serene, resting in his palms.
Admire: to regard with high esteem. Esteem: to value highly; respect, revere. Yes, Daniel respected Jack, Teal'c. He valued all his friends greatly.

Daniel swiftly turned the pages. Revere: to show honour and devotion. To venerate; adore. Yes, he adored Sam. Revered her, then. Admired her.

"I figured you wouldn't be noticing the time."

"What?" Daniel looked up, startled. Glancing at Jack and then down at his watch, he realized it was already past seven. "Right. We wouldn't want Teal'c's low blood sugar level to make him cranky."

Jack didn't even try to hide his grin. This was Daniel back again… almost. So what if he couldn't remember what he likes best on his pizza or what Oma did to him. The man was at least ready to joke and be a friend.

_____

The planet was nearly idyllic. Okay, not so much idyllic as pleasant. There was a lake, and clear bright sky. And better still, there were no glowy snakes or clicky crawling things roaming about. Well, so far. Invisible things - well, that Jack couldn't verify.

"This doesn't seem like a typical SG1 mission, does it?" Daniel inquired of anyone who was within earshot.

"What? Why not?" Jack retorted. Land, sky, lake, a stargate, some aesthetic-looking wild gardens in the distance that he would swear even from here didn't look quite natural. Culture somewhere around here is what that most likely meant; probably minerals in the soil, definitely adventure into the unknown. What more could they ask for? Besides a Hilton down the lane, that is. Maybe one day.

"Well," Daniel frowned hesitantly. "I thought you said "mission as usual" meant danger and risk. Don't we… you… we …. normally get into trouble on alien territory?"

Jack tossed a sharp look at his newly recovered teammate. Smartass. "Give it time."

Continuing in the direction of the gardens, Jack caught Daniel frowning in that old familiar pensive way of his, deep in thought. "Hey. You okay?"

Daniel nodded. "I remember what this feels like."

"What?"

"Doing this. Exploring new planets, meeting new cultures."

"Boring?"

"Exciting. Wondering what lies ahead."

Jack grinned, one side of his lip twitching up. "Good."

"O'Neill." Teal'c had stopped, head perked up and tilted towards the sky. The whirring sound was evident to all now, and it was getting closer.

Static electricity was accumulating in the air around them, rapidly increasing. Daniel put a hand to his head, wondering if his own hair was sticking up at the ends and flapping the way Carter's was. Even the short ends of Jack's were vying for attention below that cap, so his own must definitely be doing that dance routine thing.

"You look cute," Jack commented in his direction.

"Take off your cap, Jack."

"Right, like I'd let you make fun of me."

"O'Neill. Something approaches."

"Stay alert." Like he had to order that. Not even for Daniel's benefit, for the man was more alert and aware these days than he had ever been in the presence of possible danger. There was something to be said for being afraid, after all.

No, he didn't have to tell Daniel to stay sharp; the guy looked downright overwhelmed. Partly with curiosity, partly with anxiety. Remembering obviously didn't mean getting used to anything. All four of them now were staring tentatively at the approaching forms. There were indeed two… three… seven… eleven sparking cloud-like hazy shapes floating towards them now. Jack scoffed through his peripheral vision at Daniel. "Friends of yours, by any chance?"

"Jack?"

"No, I take that back, seeing as you were kicked off the glowy team for not playing by the rules. No more friends." The hurt look on Daniel's face brought full force the realization that Jack still needed to be more careful with his words. Feelings were raw and new; Daniel was more… innocent. "Sorry, Daniel."

The buzzing was suddenly beside them, and the translucent sparking electrical shapes had merged into a golden fog of static energy, advancing too quickly for them to react, merging to form a circular wall around the team. The deep golden mist was filling the spaces between them, touching them, the tingling sparks nearly itchy, nearly unpleasant. But there was nothing to shoot at, no action to take, nothing to communicate with.

Or was there?

Daniel's eyes were closed, his hands were upturned. Upturned into the sparking stuff as it swirled around him, growing thicker and thicker around Daniel's hands, around his body, swarming, meshing, pulling away from the edges of their wall and coagulating into the center of their circle around Daniel. Yet none of it was solid; there was nothing to grab onto, nothing to push away. There was absolutely nothing the others could do but watch and anxiously wait.

The energy buzzed around each of them, growing stronger towards the center, towards Daniel. With eyes closed, the expression on Daniel's face indicated no pain, just perplexity and curiosity. Eyes tight, forehead wrinkling in a frown, the look was of intense concentration, and Jack did not know whether interrupting would put an end to this or be detrimental to his teammate.

And then Daniel began to speak.

The words were barely audible, but to Daniel they sounded like a shout. For the movement inside his head was incredible; there were feathers tickling his brain, drops of rain rolling down a plate glass window. Sounds - no, thoughts - feelings, and that he understood.

"They don't materialize. Our bodies are too heavy… too dense for them to understand. We are hurting them." Daniel's voice was soft; the impression rendered was of breezes swaying the tufts of foxtail grasses in a carpeted meadow, and the unexpected image caused Jack to shudder. What the hell was going on? Stealing a quick glance at Carter's awed expression, he knew that she had had some similar visuals as well.

"Dense?" Jack repeated.

Ignoring his CO, the younger man continued, his eyes still closed but the concentration softening. "We can't go any further. Our vibrations aren't in tune with their own… with this world."

"Daniel, we can't go back and tell Hammond…."

"Yes, we can. The aliens have communicated their wishes. This is their world, Jack. And we're hurting them."

Jack sighed. Bizarre as this may have been, he had to admit that Daniel was right. If this really was communication … and he trusted Daniel's judgement on that …then they couldn't antagonize the aliens. SG1 - humans - weren't welcome here. "Alright."

Daniel's eyes opened, as the sparking golden mist began to disperse. Hovering above them now, the individual forms moved off, then stopped. Waiting, watching.

All human eyes were focussed on Daniel.

"Are you well, Daniel Jackson?"

That faraway look was back, the one Daniel had worn when he had learned how to create fire with his mind, or so he'd thought. The look that had gazed upon protons and electrons revealing no secrets in a meeting place of the universe.

"Daniel?" Carter was poorly stifling that worried look. Had she ever looked that way for Jonas? Jack couldn't remember.

"Uh, yes." Daniel smiled. "I'm fine."

Jack shifted his head, indicating the direction of home. "We came, we saw..." He shrugged. "Let's go home, kids."

The stargate wasn't far, and the team began to make their way back in relative silence. Daniel was right; not a typical mission.

No, wrong. This was a typical mission, from long, long, ago. From back when Daniel did what Daniel did best.

"How do you do that?"

Daniel raised himself from his daydreams; should he have even let his guard down in such a way on an alien world? So many things he had to keep in mind for next time. Sam and Teal'c were meters ahead, no visible danger awaited, no more self-pyrotechnical clouds hovered. Those, in fact, had quit lingering and had retreated to wherever it was they had come from. "How do I do what?"

Jack fluttered his fingers, catching air. "That. Talk to … things. Befriend aliens." Understand them.

Daniel shrugged. "It's my job… I think?"

"What, can't remember and still you do it anyway?" Jack couldn't completely hide his grin, fleeting as it may have been.

Admire; have awe for. Care for, worry about. Hold a fondness for, become attached to. Words, all just words, and Daniel forced himself to pay attention to his surroundings.

The others were up ahead, their position was secure. He was ready for words, now. The feelings were generating solid memories.

"Are you sure, now?"

Jack tilted his head towards his friend. "What?"

"'I admire you'." Daniel was looking Jack straight in the eye.

Jack frowned. "Thanks.….?"

To which Daniel responded with a look that could only be construed as annoyance. "I may have… might have, grown to admire you… a little. I think."

Shit.

Jack kept walking, focussing momentarily on the sky. 'I may not remember everything, but….' But. But …Daniel had to go and remember that. Am I sure that I admired you? That I was possibly… probably… definitely in awe of your skills, that I knew I could never do what you do? That I knew how much we need you, when my way doesn't work and even when it does? That I would miss you? Was I sure? Yes. I think. No, not think, know. That was by far and by sure the most definitely positive fact he had known, too hard to admit and too painful to think about at the time. 'I've grown to admire you a little... I think.' Jack knew he had known that for a very very long time, choosing for some pride-consuming reason to deny that fact while in Daniel's former presence. Knew he had made Daniel think that he, Jack, believed he could handle every situation without his teammate's awesome linguistic and diplomatic skills. Admitting it out loud that … day… had forced him to realize just how much he knew he needed Daniel, how much SG1 needed Daniel, and it had attacked his heart with another need for massive denial just to keep himself safe and sane.

"Yeah… I think I'm sure," he smiled, noting Daniel's partly concealed disappointment. Even now, the guy couldn't keep his face clear of his emotions. "I think I'm pretty sure."

"Good thing mind-reading is another skill of mine, Jack."

"Awesome. I admire that."

"Are you sure?" Daniel's unnecessary dictionary search was imprinted on his memory, painted with feelings and branded with words. Unnecessary because he was a linguist, and he already knew.

Admire: to regard with high esteem.
Esteem: to set a high value upon. To respect, revere.
Revere: to show honour and devotion, to venerate.
Venerate: to regard with reverential respect, to adore, honour, look up to. To care for.
Care for: hold a fondness for, a concern.
Fondness: affection, tenderness, brotherly love, attachment, admiration. To admire.
Admire.

"How did you mean it, Jack?"

"This has really been bothering you, hasn't it, Daniel." What did I mean. What did I mean….. besides the fact that you're one of the most damned courageous men I've ever had the pleasure of knowing or working with, all military personnel included? That you keep your honour and loyalty when others would have long given up and gone home, your values never getting put aside for personal gain, your integrity never compromised. That you'd die for a friend or a world of strangers. That in a dozen lifetimes I could never reach the heights you have. That you're a wonder rarely encountered in the materialistic world, a rare archaeological find.

Jack shrugged. I'd always thought we were equal, Daniel, you and me, in our own intricately particular ways. Yes, sometimes opposites; two sides of the same coin. But I don't admire myself, Daniel, and that puts you above me. You're a nickel to my penny. "What I said. I admire you." Not just a little, and yes, I'm sure.

Daniel nodded slowly. Nothing more would be said or questioned. No more words. Feelings, however, were becoming disjointed and blurry.

"And oh, by the way," Jack added, looking ahead at the approaching stargate, "if you're wondering how much I cared that you were dying, that you wouldn't be around in the morning or the next day or the next or ever, well… try imagining a hockey net with a big hole in it."

And the stargate was before them now, shimmering it's blue lake-like effect as Carter and Teal'c patiently awaited the approach of their two lagging teammates.

And Jack laid his hand on Daniel's shoulder as he guided the younger man into the long-distance wormhole. "The hole's been darned, by the way."
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