forlife

For Life

by Travelling One

EMAIL: travelling_one@yahoo.ca

WEB: http://www.travellingone.com/

SUMMARY: An SG1 member must save a planet ...but success means no way home.

CATEGORY: Angst, drama, smarm

DISCLAIMER: The theme and main characters have been borrowed from the Stargate SG-1 tv series, and are copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. This story has been written for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended.

01/14/01

Jack rolled backwards in his chair, the need to relieve his boredom excruciating. The scene had not changed since the last time he'd looked up. Nope, not much had changed at all in the past four minutes, except for the growing wad of crumpled pages around his trash bin. He really should buy some stocks in printer ink and paper. How he hated this, trying to put down in words the events of the last boring... make that overly long and boring... mission. He could come back to this later ... procrastination was a more acceptable state of being at the moment than insanity. Daniel was much better at this than he was.

He rose from his seat, the muscles of his knees pulling after their relaxing unworkout. How long had he been sitting there, anyway? Time for a coffee, maybe see if Daniel felt like talking. Take a hike, have a chat, see what his archaeologist was up to. God, he must really be bored if he wanted to see what Daniel was working on. Choices, he had choices ...a lecture about some new scratch marks purporting to be a long lost language, or a theory on molecular activity in thermo... nucleus... fusion... of ... floppy disks... Daniel or Sam, Sam or Daniel... wonder what Teal'c was up to. Nah, not much chance there for a long chat or distraction. Daniel it would be.

Stretching his aching leg muscles, he threw one last paper missile at the bin... missed again, what the hell was happening to his aim... and set off to annoy the friendly resident archaeologist.

"Hey there. Watcha doin'?" Jack found Daniel staring mindlessly at his computer screen and sipping at his probably cold cup of coffee, absently chewing on a pencil end, as he plopped down onto a stool with a view.

"Hi Jack. Bored?" A grin tugged lightly at the edges of Daniel's lips. He knew Jack's usual reasons for stopping by.

"Nah. Just figured it was time I learned the Mayan language. I'm not getting any younger."

Daniel smirked. He realized how comfortable he'd become with the the idle chatter and humour he enjoyed with the man sitting across from him. Daniel knew how to play along, and was just about to respond with some necessary "can't do without 'em" Mayan travel phrases such as "Which way to the nearest Stargate?", when the PA system came to life. "SG1 to the briefing room, stat. SG1 to the briefing room, STAT."

The two men looked at each other, neither one having a clue as to what might be going on. The team wasn't due to go on a mission for another three days. Jack was the first on his feet, but waited in the doorway for his friend to catch up. "I just love surprises," he muttered, as the two men left.

They reached the doorway to the briefing room just as Samantha Carter approached from the opposite direction.

"Any idea what this is about, Major?

"None, sir."

Jack's brow creased as he entered the room. Teal'c was already seated, and on one side of the table were two familiar Tok'ra faces: Aldwin ...what's he doin' here?..., and Jacob Carter, Sam's father.

"Dad!" Sam smiled.

"Hello, Sam, Jack. Daniel." Jacob acknowledged his friends. His face gave no indication of their mission, yet showed little joy at seeing his daughter once again.

"Colonel, Major Carter, Doctor Jackson. Please be seated." General Hammond was in full formal mode.

"What's up, General?" Jack asked, casually taking his seat. He already had bad feelings about this. The presence of these two visitors was not a good omen, judging by the grim look on Jacob's face. He should've been at least a little more pleased to see Sam.

"I have no idea, Colonel. Our Tok'ra guests wouldn't tell me anything until you were all present." He turned to the two visitors. "Anytime you're ready, Jacob..."

"Well, this is a long story," Jacob began. "Actually, it starts about three thousand years ago, Earth time." He paused, looking around the room. His eyes locked for a moment with those of his daughter, and then he met the curious and concerned looks in the eyes of Jack and Daniel.

"I shall relate this tale," interrupted Aldwin. "And I shall attempt to make it as brief as possible. For a very long while, the Tok'ra have been affiliated with the inhabitants of a planet called Rasada. It is not necessary to know how or why the Tok'ra came to be involved with these people; suffice it to say that we have been in occasional contact now for several centuries.

"The civilization on this planet predated the arrival of the Goa'uld there. With the temporary conquest by the Goa'uld three thousand years ago, most of the population was wiped out. Still, a number survived and began to construct what you might call a satellite of sorts, in the hope of preserving their culture and essential personnel in case of another attack.

"Inside this ship, a large sanctuary was created, an engineering masterpiece camouflaged from Goa'uld eyes by the blending of its outer structure with the particles of rock which orbit Rasada. All the knowledge of these people was built into this structure, which was never actually needed after the Goa'uld were "disposed of". However, as a precaution to future possible attacks, the satellite was completed and sent into controlled orbit near and around Rasada."

At this point, there was a lull in the commentary. The SGC members around the room sat in silence, waiting for the narration to continue. They had no idea where this was leading nor why the Tok'ra leaders were here explaining it to them.

The elder Carter took over the narration. "This craft was seen as a last resort for the Rasadan people, one to be used if their world was overrun or destroyed. As advanced as it was, the ship was still able to fall prey to Goa'uld intervention. So as a precaution to Goa'uld attack, the inner walls were filled with alternating bands of potassium and iron, and naquadah. "

"Like the combination that was in Cassandra," commented Sam.

"Yes. An attack would provoke an explosion, a type of instant self-destruct, aimed at eliminating all nearby Goa'uld ships as well."

"The satellite is still out there," Aldwin continued the explanation, "but its mechanisms are now failing desperately. It has begun hurtling out of control, and is headed for impact with one of Rasada's major cities. We expect the impact to occur within one, perhaps two, days. It will cause massive destruction if it cannot be stopped." Aldwin paused. "Hundreds of times greater than your strongest nuclear bomb."

General Hammond broke the brief silence. "We can have a bomb ready within the hour. Destroy it while it's still in space."

"Uh, no, George," Jacob interceded. "We thought of that. Remember, Rasada is a ringed planet. An explosion of such magnitude, or even the pieces of debris created by such an explosion, might be enough to cause some of those surrounding particles to impact the planet as giant meteors. We can't take the chance."

"You said, IF it can't be stopped? Then you're suggesting it can be... fixed?" the question belonged to Daniel.

"We do believe it can be halted. There is a Stargate on board."

The confusion in the room was voiced by Major Carter. "There are civilizations more highly advanced technologically than we are; I mean, the Tollans, for example, know a lot more than we do about this kind of thing. I may be an astrophysicist, but I have only Earth's perspective as far as technology goes. Surely we can't be the first choice to help you repair this problem?"

"No."

"We're not asking you to, Sam, nor SG1." Jacob Carter clarified Aldwin's brief negation.

"Then...?" Daniel lifted his eyebrow, his unfinished question understood.

"There is more to the problem than this..."

"Sweet."

Ignoring O'Neill's remark, Aldwin carried on. "We would not risk sending your team to board the ship. Besides the immediate danger of the ship colliding with some of the particles out there, precautions were built into the craft's mechanisms, as the legends have it, that would prevent any sort of unauthorized tampering."

He continued. "To prevent the Goa'uld from taking control of this ship, and with it all their society's knowledge, the functions of the craft have been programmed to shut down the moment the controls are touched. All shields and power will immediately cease to function, as would all life support systems.

"The dangerous substances within the walls are designed to leak out separately, freezing and evaporating in the void of space. The ship will then collapse in on itself, disintegrating, basically, within a matter of hours.

"This would, however, be an unimportant consequence, as it is also believed that a toxic substance meant to quickly penetrate the Goa'ulds' armour will be rapidly released into the remaining oxygen, so that all invaders would succumb within moments. And without power, the Stargate will no longer be of any use. Whoever is on board would have to remain."

"But you said that wouldn't be us ...and thank you very much for that, by the way," O'Neill knew more was coming, but really, really didn't think he wanted to know what it was.

"I intended that person to be myself," Aldwin remarked. "I boarded the craft but was unable to find the control mechanisms."

"Okay, is anyone else confused here?" Jack knew he was no scientist, but he was pretty certain that nothing was making much sense. "Let me get this straight. You need someone inside that machine to stop it, but it's a kamikaze mission so you're not asking us to go. You've already tried anyway and Carter here, no offense Major, knows even less than you do about this technology. Which, by the way, is a good thing at the moment, in my opinion. So bottom line, guys... why are you here?"

"Because, Colonel O'Neill, as we mentioned already, all the knowledge of these ancient inhabitants is built into the craft itself. We believe that on those walls lies the information necessary to locate the controls and to activate the halting mechanisms."

"We said we wouldn't send a whole team, Jack," Jacob looked down at the table, his eyes refusing to meet those of the SG team members around him. "But neither we nor the present inhabitants of Rasada can read what is written on those walls. The information appears to be written completely in Sumerian cuneiform."

Daniel sucked in his breath, his heart fluttering wildly in his chest. A stifled gasp came from the other end of the table.

What was it they were suggesting here ...no.... ...NO.

The silence in the room became unbearably laden with denial... fear... tension. Not a breath, not a sound, not a movement ... for moments... minutes ... millennia... then a shuffle, somewhere a paper shuffling.

"No." The voice of Jack O'Neill.

The two Tok'ra looked up, as one voice spoke softly. "We're sorry. There's no other choice."

"No choice?" Jack was on his feet, anger rising in his voice. "Of course there's a choice! You're asking Daniel to go on a damn suicide mission to help a planet we've never seen, and telling him there's no choice? General, tell these men thanks for thinking of us but no thanks, we have nothing to offer..."

"As a military man, Colonel," General Hammond cut in gently, "You must know that sometimes there are no choices, much as I hate to admit it myself."

"Daniel's not military, ... SIR."

"Yet he is your cultural expert, with a specialty in languages, is this not so?" Aldwin ventured. "This is his job, is it not?"

"Yes. I'll go." The soft, almost inaudible voice belonged to Daniel Jackson. Eyes looked towards him.

"Daniel -"

"Jack!..." Clearing his throat, his heart thumping, Daniel looked up from his now still fingers, his gaze resting on those of his friends. "I'll go....... I have to."

_____

The rest of the meeting passed in a bizarre haze of blurred voices, Daniel barely hearing any of it. Holographic images of some sort, of the inside of this... monstrous ship. A massive room, walls and panels which opened into storage drawers, covered in cuneiform. A Stargate, a DHD, not much else. Voices, inaudible to the pounding of his heart in his ears... who was speaking now? Aldwin. What was he saying?

"I will accompany Dr. Jackson. When he uncovers the controls and deciphers the necessary operations, I will send him home and then activate them myself."

"Um..., no. I can't let you do that." Daniel was beginning to focus on the subdued conversation going on around him. "I won't exchange your life for mine. If I can interpret the instructions, I'll try them myself."

"Daniel," Sam cautioned, "You have no knowledge of engineering. How will you know what to do?"

"Hopefully, by the instructions. If I need help, then I'll call for Aldwin. I'll still be able to operate the Stargate, won't I?"

"We can't be positive that the Stargate will continue to properly function as the satellite hurtles through space towards the planet, but theoretically it should work. The address is that of Rasada, but they can shut down their gate for the duration of the mission."

"We'll send a MALP through with you, son," General Hammond offered. "Keep in touch as long as you can..." he paused. "But son... understand, you are not being ordered to do this."

Daniel hesitated before speaking. Focussing his steady gaze directly into the eyes of Jacob Carter, he quietly queried, "When do I need to leave?"

Jacob answered him softly. "As soon as possible, Daniel... an hour? Time is of the essence, here."

_____

Daniel absent-mindedly stood fingering the artifacts cluttering his desk top, a hundred things weighing on his mind. A hundred things he might never get done ... never touch ... never see ... what form of madness had possessed him to agree to this? He wasn't set to leave for another hour, he could still back out, still save his own life. His own life. At the expense of thousands of others. He'd risked his life before, saving thousands, hell, billions of people. But they were the people of Earth, his home. So, what. He'd risk his life to save the people of Abydos... Cimmeria... Rasada. It made no difference who they were. If he could. Who knew if he even could. He did know that he couldn't live with himself if he didn't try. One more hour before he was set to leave. One hour, to set the rest of his life in order.

His life. Memories came unbidden. His childhood, the orphanages, foster homes... places where you tried so hard not to make friends. The unwritten rule, "If you make friends, they leave." The lucky ones were adopted, but the rest... borrowed, "lent out" for periods of time, to people who received money to care for them. People who sometimes did more pocketing than caring.

He had desperately read, researched, studied what he so dearly loved. Archaeology was his birthright. And languages..... They came so easily, so naturally. His way of connecting to the people he wanted to understand, of bringing them closer into his mind and heart. Years spent studying languages... ancient writings. So this is what it all came down to, in the grand scheme of things. Is this what it was all for?

The Stargate. What an accident, a coincidence, at least where he was concerned. But what kind of accident brings one into the lives of people one is destined to meet all along? Kindred souls, best friends, substitute family... that was no accident. From the moment he met Captain Doctor Samantha Carter, he knew they were cosmically linked, no pun intended. Jack took a while, but only in Jack's own mind. For Daniel, Jack was a soul who needed someone sensitive and understanding to reach into that darkness within him and openly accept the child that was hiding there. Daniel had known from the beginning that he had to be part of Jack's destiny.

And Teal'c? He was their destiny. A gift, brought to their small group, to illustrate the goodness in those they fear, those they think they hate, like enemies in a war who have so much in common but don't realize it until after the shooting and killing and death are over. Teal'c, a gift of realization that within one's foe is just another individual who wants only to live a fulfilling, rewarding life.

Visions. Images of a future reality, slipping past his defenses. Floating, in a freezing ancient spacecraft, gasping in a few final breaths of toxic air. Better to just collide with one of those orbiting rocks and get it over with quickly.

Daniel never heard Sam enter the room. Never saw her, until her hand on his arm shocked him back to awareness. Her moist blue eyes looked up into his and he knew he couldn't control the wetness sliding down to his chin.

"I'm scared, Sam."

His were words that Sam couldn't handle right then. Not trusting her voice, she moved closer, gently wrapping her arms around Daniel's neck. Those words piercing her heart, digging at her soul, the admission was just so... Daniel. So honest. God, how she loved this man, this friend. Don't do this to me, Daniel. Don't leave. They can get someone else to do this. Someone else who can read cuneiform... Sumerian cuneiform... with the speed and accuracy that you can... God, Daniel, why do you have to know so much?

"You don't have to do this." Her voice sounded calm, how did that happen?

Daniel removed his arms from around Sam's shoulders, bringing his palms to softly cradle her cheeks. His gentle blue eyes were trapped in sorrow, fear, small puddles threatening to spill once again. His cheeks were wet. "Yes. I do. One life, for many. You would do the same thing, Sam, wouldn't you?"

Sam hated her answer. She wished desperately for some argument that would make Daniel change his mind, but she knew there was nothing to say. She would do the same thing, in his place.

"Yes." The truth, simple and honest. She knew Daniel would go. He had to.

_____

Sam would've liked to spend the next hour at Daniel's side, watching him, savouring his voice, memorizing his eyes, remembering every last moment of this friend she cared for so deeply, understanding every movement she'd ever seen him make in the few years she'd known him. But she also knew, when Jack appeared in the doorway, that these two men needed some privacy. She silently acknowledged Jack with a slight nod of her head. Lingering a moment to watch her two friends, then glancing once more at Daniel, Sam grimly left the room.

Jack approached the desk, eyes roaming the room but refusing to look at Daniel. When he spoke, the edge to his voice was jagged, rough.

"I'm not going to wish you luck, you know. I hope you fail."

"Jack," a wistful smile almost made it to Daniel's lips, "If I can't decipher this writing, if I can't figure out how to stop this thing, I'll gate home and thousands of people will die."

"But at least you'll have tried, and that'll make you feel better, right?" There was hope in his words. "I know it'll make me feel better."

"For the sake of the people of Rasada, Jack, I don't want to fail."

Jack forced himself to look into his friend's deep blue eyes. Warm eyes. Caring, brilliant. Trusting eyes. Trusted me to take care of you. Eyes of a man who would give up his life for a friend, for a country, for a planet of people he didn't even know.

"You don't even know them. We need you here to keep on saving Earth, with us."

Daniel calmly tried to convince his friend. "Jack, let me ask you something. If Earth was about to be destroyed, or a portion of it, anyway, and there was only one person out there who could help us, but he wouldn't because he was afraid, what would we think, what would we do? Would we try to change his mind? Would we hate him? Would we say, God, if it was me, I'd do it?"

Jack knew Daniel was right. And sometimes he hated when Daniel was right.

He looked at the man who had come to mean so much to him. The man he never thought would fit in. How long ago was that? Not nearly long enough. Give him more time... years... decades, to learn more about this person, to rejoice in this friend's life. Their time couldn't be up yet, could it?

"I don't want you to go, Daniel. I know that's selfish, but hey, that's me. But I also know you will go. I also know why. And I'm not going to try to stop you. I just..." He had no more words, he needed the words, words that were struggling to make it past the rolled up wads of paper lying around his trash bin, words that never would come out right when he needed them to. He just wasn't good at this.

Jack came around the side of the desk and pulled his friend into an embrace, and the gesture was returned. The two friends stood like that for moments... minutes... millennia... but not nearly long enough for Jack.

Daniel stood upright. "I'm running out of ...uh... time, here, Jack. I have things to get done."

"Right." Jack looked around him. Time. Denial wouldn't stop it from moving forward. Time, that misconstrued, misconceived, misunderstood, illusory product of physics, space, science, gravity, despicable thief of precious lives...Shut up Jack. This is as hard for Daniel as it is for you. Harder. He's the one who's going to die if he succeeds in this mission. If he's smart enough to figure this thing out. Ha. Smart enough. No doubt on that one.

"I'll let you ...pack. What're you taking?"

"Um ...some cuneiform dictionaries, a few personal things. Food."

"And me. Don't worry, I'll gate back as soon as you start getting close."

"Um, no, Jack. We can't be sure how long the gate will actually work. And the ship might crash into one of those floating rocks at any time. It's too dangerous. Like I said, I go alone."

"Why can't they just get some aliens with a ship to pick you up? Some of them like you."

Daniel focussed his gaze on Jack's face. He knew his friend already had the answer to that one. He also knew what Jack was doing. His response was patient. "Not enough time, Jack. They needed months to pick you up from Edora, remember? I have two days at the most, probably less, and likely just a few moments after the controls are activated. I'd like to get this done within a few hours, but judging from the massive amount of writing on the walls, I doubt I can even figure out where to start in less than a day."

"Daniel, I know you. If you can't interpret those damn writings, you'll wait too long to gate out and impact the planet along with that miserable contraption."

"I'm going alone, Jack."

"I know." Jack knew something else, too. That when the moment came, he never would have been able to leave Daniel there and gate home.

Twenty minutes left. Twenty minutes, and still three letters to write. Daniel looked at his friend. "I need some time alone now, Jack. Please."

_____

Daniel stood on the ramp, facing the open wormhole. This would be the hard part. ..oh God, I can't do this. I can't. He felt his eyes begin to fill yet again... No ..I won't leave in tears … please help me through this, please, please,... I have to do this.

God I feel so sick.

He turned back towards his friends, they were standing so close. So close. I'm not even afraid of dying...yet. I'm afraid of never seeing any of you again.
Tell them how hard this is. Tell them what they mean to you ... tell them... they know.

They know.

"I love you guys," came the soft voice as Daniel's arms embraced each of his friends for possibly... probably... the last time. "I love you guys."

"You have meant a great deal to us as well, Daniel Jackson. Your courage will remain in our hearts. You will be deeply missed."

"Thank you, Teal'c. You're a good man... a good friend."

Sam could no longer fight the battle for control of her tears, so she stopped trying. If there was ever a time for tears, this was it. There was not a person in this room who wouldn't understand, who would blame her. "I love you too, Daniel," were her quiet words as she kissed Daniel's cheek for a bit longer than she had intended.

"Yeah ...ditto." Jack's words, this time. What more was there to say? Good-bye? Good luck? NO.

He pulled his friend into a final embrace, tightly, for just a moment, and then let the nightmare separate them.

"You've been an inspiration to us all, Doctor Jackson. We're proud to have had you here. Just do your best out there, son. Whatever happens, we will understand. May God go with you." General Hammond raised his hand in a salute, followed by the rest of the SGC personnel who had gathered in the gateroom.

There was nothing left. Nothing to stall for, no reason to delay.If I pull this off...... Daniel looked back at the beckoning wormhole, his heart beating violently. This was it. Time had just run out. I have to do this now. NOW. He took a few forward steps in the direction of the open circle. The Circle of Darkness ... who had called it that? Or was it "Circle of Woes"? Daniel paused briefly and then stepped into the shimmering blue.

_____

The MALP was sending back pictures, another thirty-eight minutes of an open wormhole and they would be watching every second of it. The satellite's main room was massive, every panel of every flat surface covered in ancient writings. Daniel had stood for a long moment, taking in the enormity of his "project", of his surroundings, with a look of desperation, mixed with fear and panic, on his face. He had uttered one single sentence in the direction of the MALP: "My God... where do I start?" and then had hurried off around the room to see what he could find out. Jack knew that under normal circumstances, the linguist would be in seventh heaven here... but today, he would rather be almost anywhere else. The sudden blinking out of the wormhole startled Jack out of his thoughts.

"Give it another hour, and we'll reestablish contact. In the meantime, SG1, get yourselves something to eat. Take a break." George Hammond wanted nothing more than for his team to get their minds off of this, for a short while at least.

_____

Sam entered the quarters she'd been using to sleep in on base, wanting to sink her head into the pillow and pretend this horrible day had not really been happening. Something on the pillow caught her eye. A letter? With her name on it? She pulled out the page and looked at the writing... at the signature. Oh god, Daniel. I can't do this. Not now, not yet. She began to stuff the letter back into its package. Closing her eyes, Sam took a deep breath and sat there, holding the envelope. Finally she removed the paper yet again, and began to read.

Dearest Sam, my friend and confidante,

What you've meant to me, I don't have the courage to put into words..... I could not have gotten through these past few years without you. You've been a good friend, Sam, helping me with the military... with my theories... with Sha're. I can only say thank you, but thank you is nowhere near good enough. If I don't get to speak to you again, I want you to know you've been a beautiful part of my life here, and I'll cherish that for eternity. I'm so glad to have had even this short time knowing you. I hope you have many joys in your life, and wish that I could be there to share them with you. If I can, if such a thing is possible, I'll be around looking after you from ...some other dimension, somewhere, forever.
You and Teal'c and Jack can have any of my stuff, I stated that ages ago in my will.

But what I'm leaving for you, and you alone, my dear friend, is my heart.

.

I'll love you always,

Daniel

Sam slid her head down onto the pillow and, protectively clutching the precious letter to her chest, allowed the tears to fall.

_____

Teal'c had found a letter addressed to himself among his Kel'no'reem candles. Was this meant to be opened now?

He began to read.

Dear Teal'c,

I know I don't have the courage you have, God knows I could use some of it right about now. I'm afraid, Teal'c. I'm afraid that you'll never understand how completely I've forgiven you for the things you were forced to do in your past. I admire the man you've chosen to become, the way you opposed your former leader and did what you thought was right. That takes courage, Teal'c, and I'm proud to have been witness to that. I'm proud to have been able to call you my friend.

If there was anything I could give to you, my friend, it would be my strength, my desire to survive, and my quest for truth and knowledge. Do with it what you will.

I'll miss you, Teal'c. Remember me always,

and take care of Sam and Jack.

Daniel

"Daniel Jackson, you have more courage than you have allowed yourself to believe. I will not forget you."

_____

Jack had read and reread that letter for the fourth time. And he would read it again, and again, and then again at home, where he could let himself think, and feel.

Dear Jack, my friend...my brother,

Well, I know I'd never say these things to you in person, but they need to be said. I don't have a lot of time here, so I hope what I say now comes out sounding...well, the way I mean it. Thank you for being there for me, every time I needed you. You have a good heart, Jack, even though you try so hard to disguise it. But when I needed a shoulder, you were there. When I needed support, you were there. Even between your sarcastic jokes, I read the lines. And you really did make me chuckle, sometimes. Not that I'll ever admit that to you.

You've made me feel part of the best family - the only family, really - that I've had in a long, long, time, and I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me. I care about you all so very, very much, and you know I'd do anything for you.
Well ... my time's running out, here, I'd better get going. I'm no hero, Jack... I'm nervous, afraid. I'm also not a very good actor... I hope I can make it look like I'm sort of okay with this, down in the gateroom.

Anyway, Jack...just, thank you. For everything.

If I could leave you something that would be meaningful, from me, just for you, one part of me for you to keep forever, I know what it would be.

My soul.

Keep it safe, Jack. I know it's in good hands.

_____

Daniel was barely aware of the wormhole being activated yet again, or the occasional voices coming from the direction of the MALP handing out encouraging words. He had been at this ... how long now? Eight hours, maybe ten, and was getting nowhere. He'd found walls covered with myths, panels and panels of lessons of the heart, cultural information about food products, food manufacturing, burial rituals, eating habits, travel... well maybe he was getting closer, but still nothing that looked like it had anything to do with stopping a runaway manmade culture saviour. Daniel had stopped a couple of times for a swig of water, half a sandwich, but that was it. No time for anything else until he at least found those blasted control mechanisms. He was beginning to think there weren't any.

He braved a quick look out the one tiny window, a sort of peephole to the outside "world". The ship was hurtling mercilessly out of control, towards what he assumed must be Rasada, and somehow, wonderously, bypassing what seemed like floating debris... part of the planet's rings? Couldn't feel it though ... what a wonder, technology.

His investigation of the ship had turned up a small chamber with what looked to be drainage compartments - that was good to know about, and a large bare room, fitted only with many levels of long shelves, each about the length of a person. These were covered in a soft spongy substance, and Daniel assumed this would have been the intended sleeping quarters.

As he wandered about this damaged vessel so many hundreds of light years from his home, he became aware of the echoing silence of the probe, the comforting voices now stilled with the temporary closure of the wormhole, and prayed that the gate would continue to work. How he needed the ongoing presence of voices from home, knowing even that they were so far away. No one would be coming through that gate, one way or the other, ever again... and if he could stop this craft ... neither would he.

The wishes and dreams he had left behind ... he would never have a family of his own... never be a father. Never take his little child's hand in his own, looking down with love into the little one's eyes. Never protect him from the demons of sorrow, comfort him, encourage him. No, his job - Stargate traveller as well as archaeologist - was not conducive to having a family, anyway. Still - he would've been a good father, he knew that. Daniel, to be a father you need a wife.

Forcing his thoughts back to reality and the job that needed to be done, he resumed his perusal of the writings in the main cabin. He felt the pressure of elapsing time, felt the eyes and hearts of the people of Rasada awaitng news of their fate.
For just a moment, Daniel paused, looking around him.

This was a spaceship ... and the reality of the situation stung his psyche. What was an archaeologist doing here, anyway? Here in outer space, alone? What was he doing here? How could a planet's future and very existence be relying on him?

The pressure and terrors were overwhelming; while he prayed more than anything that he could repair this satellite and save millions of inhabitants, the fate that awaited him cowered in the back of his mind like a shadow in darkness. In just a few hours, maybe less, he would be dead., and that anticipation scared the hell out of him.

Don't think of that. Don't think of anything, keep your mind on these writings.

Hours passed, his eyes hurt, and he tried to ignore the rumblings activating in his stomach. Moon ceremonies... water irrigation... animal domestication... mining. What was that over there, on the corner floor panel? A drawing?

Daniel walked over to take a closer look. Could be a picture of some type of... spacecraft. Daniel couldn't decipher many of the words, nor were they in his dictionaries. Wouldn't be, though, if they had to do with advanced space technology. Daniel tried to piece together what he could interpret. Light rays ...speed changes... could they have been using some sort of light refraction to guide this vehicle?

Daniel turned his head and raised his voice in the direction of the now-open wormhole and far-off MALP. "Sam, I think..." he began, as he lifted the floor panel.

His words were cut off as blinding lights flashed out from underneath the panel. The craft lunged suddenly, jolted and spun, throwing Daniel against the nearest wall. Then all went black.

Moments later, the dizzying motion ceased as suddenly as it had begun. Dazed, Daniel rubbed his shoulder and neck where he had hit the wall, and stared into the blackness. "...I think I found it. Ow."

Total blackness enveloped him, along with complete, stifling silence. No response from his home base, but the MALP had died with the disconnection of the wormhole. Daniel felt his way along the walls to where he remembered the small peephole as being, and looked out. Below him, Rasada.
But something was different this time ...the planet was not looming closer, it wasn't spinning, or moving at all. The massive craft had seemingly come to a complete halt. Daniel remembered his flashlight, and removed it from his vest pocket. Making his way to the DHD, he attempted the first chevron in Earth's address. Nothing happened.

"It worked ...I did it! ... I ...did it..."

"Oh-oh."

_____

The MALP's video registered a blinding flash of light, and the wormhole suddenly disengaged. Thirty-eight minutes of this connection was nowhere near up. That could only mean one thing....

The two Tok'ra men had tried to stay out of everyone's way in the control room for the past several hours, but now Aldwin's face slowly lit in a comprehending smile, and he exclaimed, "He's done it! Dr. Jackson has halted the satellite!"

But the unsaid thoughts showed plainly on the stricken faces of the SG colleagues, their fear now a surreal reality: "...and now he's going to die."

Jacob's features remained more grim, for he knew what his daughter must be going through. And he knew there was nothing he could say, nothing he could do, to help her.

Jack knew as well.

Jack felt such an emptiness spreading within him, a hollow cavernous space that just kept growing, expanding and tightening its grip with every breath, an emotion that he had felt only once before and had hoped never to have to go through again. A loss, so great it threatened to consume his soul, consume him whole and leave him writhing in pain for eternity. And then, a worse pain began to fill up that space, a pain he knew was being felt by a dear friend at even that moment, light years away ...a deep nauseating terror, a knowledge that he truly would never come home again, a panic caused by knowing that he would soon be dying, as life support was abruptly cut off, toxic gases stifling his final breaths.

This pain continued to fill the cavernous space inside of Jack and he knew he couldn't stay there, couldn't look at the faces of these other people, faces who hadn't known his friend as well as he had, that gentle soul who didn't deserve to be the one going through this. Only two others in this room could possibly know any of what he was feeling... he turned and draped his arms around Carter, pulling her close. She held on tightly, her quiet sobs muffled against his shoulder, as Jack silently promised his friend one last favour. I'll take good care of your soul, Danny. I'll treasure it on every mission we go on without you. Wherever I go from now on, you're coming with me. I won't leave you behind.

_____

Daniel leaned against a wall in the darkness, as the reality of his situation forcefully began to sink in. Hundreds of light years from home, floating in space, waiting to ... die. He had nowhere to go now, nothing to do but wait. Wait. And we all know how good I am at doing that, he thought wryly.

He switched on his flashlight, the dim light creating eery shadows around the cavernous inner space of an ancient piece of state-of-the-art machinery. The light played on the now silent form of the MALP, the last vestige of a distant, unreachable, home.

"I feel like I'm on the Titanic, under the ocean... on the rusting hulk of a deserted, battered, sunken ship, and I can't get off. All alone, no chance of rescue, and I'm never going home." He turned off the irrationally creepy illumination, and listened to the darkness. Daniel closed his eyes, swallowing his fear, closing out the grim reality surrounding him, closing out his future. The SGC would go on without him, and its fate he would never get to know.
What will it feel like, to die?

Was this where his life was supposed to flash in front of his eyes? Because it wasn't. All he could see were his friends' beautiful faces ... faces registering and mirroring his own shock and sorrow and terror.

Daniel knew his friends would have figured out what had happened when the wormhole shut down. He hated what they were going through.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to nobody who could hear.

So...
...when was this going to happen, anyway? How long would this take? He wasn't feeling anything yet, no dizzyness, no lightheadedness.. No weightlessness, either. His bottom was still firmly planted on the ground.

Maybe the legends were wrong.

Maybe the self-destruct mechanisms were damaged when the engines failed.

Maybe it wouldn't matter anyway; he couldn't get off this thing now.

Maybe he would've even had time to generate power to the Stargate... if they hadn't left the naquadah reactor behind on Bedrosia. Not that he'd've been able to manually dial out by himself anyway.

The words came back to him. "...the functions of the craft have been programmed to shut down the moment the controls are touched..." He couldn't help feeling he was missing something.

Then, a sound. A low whine, coming from the opposite side of the room. Daniel listened, frozen to the spot. It's starting. He shut his eyes.

Coming from elsewhere, coming from everywhere. Echoing around the walls. Sounds. A voice? Someone speaking. No, something speaking... saying what? Daniel couldn't make it out. Something repetitive, something... in ancient Sumerian? A recording?

Daniel forced himself to move over to the panel he had removed from the floor. Small lights were flashing within the floor space, moving randomly until they formed a consistent pattern. The voice was issuing an... instruction... what? Touch the lights... in some kind of order? Daniel knew he had nothing, absolutely nothing, to lose.
He touched the lights in succession, and the voice stopped.

Lights began to blink on the far side of the room, and then others, more, everywhere. What was this, emergency power? Or the surge of power that would lead to the explosive self-destruct the Tok'ra had warned about?

Then everything stopped flashing, and held their illumination. The room was fully lit up.

Slight comprehension began to enter into Daniel's frightened mind, and he wandered closer to the tiny window. Rasada was moving away, slowly. No, the spacecraft was slipping away, slowly changing direction. A smile began to play at Daniel's lips as realization took full hold. "A reset sequence? Nothing but a damn reset sequence?"

He raced over to the DHD and pressed the first chevron. It lit up. "YES!" A low chuckle left his lips, and then laughter, as relief flooded through him, releasing every bit of fear that had held so closely onto every inch of his body, of his being, for the past twelve hours. He heard the words again... "the functions of the craft have been programmed to shut down the moment the controls are touched...."
The moment the controls are touched... By a GOA'ULD!

The wormhole engaged. Daniel rushed to speak into the MALP. "Hello?? Can you hear me? Is anyone out there? This is Daniel Jackson. I want to come home!"

"Dr. Jackson?" A voice, tentative at first. Then curious, exuberant. "Come on through, son. The iris is open!"

_____

As Daniel strode out of the gate into the room he'd left a lifetime ago, twelve hours of a lifetime, the sounds of loud cheering didn't seem to reach his ears.

No, he was hearing only the thundering heartbeat pulsating through him, his eyes fixated on the three grinning faces at the base of the ramp. He was dimly aware of the myriad of other grinning faces, and the many voices, but somewhere inside him he needed to reach the three of his closest, dearest friends. Arms were reaching out, touching him, many arms, many more hands, many questions being asked, questioning voices that would just have to wait until later.

And with eyes forced closed with emotion, he wrapped himself around his teammates, knowing just how close he'd come this time, just how lonely and afraid he'd been, and just how good... how incredibly good... it felt to be back home. And through the din of voices swimming around him, amidst all the commotion, he held on to someone, someone he knew he loved dearly, as a friend, while tears strolled easily and unchecked along his cheeks, and he thought he could make out one voice, so close beside his ear: "Thank you for finding your way back to us, my friend."

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